HEY! I have an idea!

Let’s not be racist!

I mean, I know it’s totally a far out idea and extremely wacky! But let’s just try?!

Today, someone that I work with at b&n actually muttered all quietly under her breath to me, “She was a colored.”

I said, “Excuse me, what?”

“A COLORED girl.”

WTF century is this? SHUT YOUR FUCKING FACE.

stop! don’t do it! no, really! don’t!

my head is so fucked up. and i once again cannot deal with capitals.

so. i go into work at the b&n at 330 after having worked til 1 at the archives only to find out that WHOA I AM NOT SCHEDULED TODAY BUT TOMORROW. i don’t know what to do. i’ve scheduled my week around working TONIGHT. blah. fucking hell. i did post a sign telling people to call me if they’s be wantin’ some mo’ ‘ours, yo. because i’d gladly give that up.

i’d give it up so that i have more time to eat fried chicken and watermelon at elaina’s funeral.

chicken. watermelon.

so, yesterday i had to run a lot of errands for work– drop off summer reading club pamphlets to various elementary schools, take some more photos of things close up for our where in the world board, go to the dollar tree to pick up these cootie catcher kits, and to walmart for photo developing. well, on my way out of the walmart/sam’s/lowe’s plaza area where the cooler stores are on the other side of the street (ie. target, goodys, staples, dollar tree) i had a stop sign that i couldn’t even make it to, because i was laughing while digging out my camera whiling parking in the closest spot to the stop sign.

see, someone had added sticky letters underneath the word STOP and this is what it said:

and, of course, i had to get one with at least one of the shopping signs in the background:

so, at alex’s work (kmart) the other night, i guess they tagged a bunch of jones soda 4 pack bottles for THIRTY CENTS. and alex gets a DISCOUNT. so, on my way to work, when kmart opened, i pretty much bought them all. i got like 20 cases for 6$. so we’ve been drinking them like mad, plus i’ve given some away. but i need to stop drinking them because i’m going to get fat.

also, i’ve been treating the fortunes under the cap like a map to my life for the next week or so. they all seem to fit. so unbelievably well.

i almost got through a song on guitar hero on hard. i was promised 5 uninterrupted minutes of making out if i got through it. i got 89%. (fucking orange button is the devil!) i did, however, receive consolation kisses. teehee.

my period is killing me like you wouldn’t believe. i’ve never felt this way before. i don’t even have cramps. just this horrible pressure inside of me and in my cooch. it hurts to sit, to move, to live. so i’m glad i got to come home from work. bleeding is the suck. i need money to go to a girly dr, fo’ realz, yo.

we are going to go the store in a minute.

it just rained some. the air is cooler. the wind is nice. i like the way it makes everything smell.

oh, last night, after i got home and showered, i went to lay down to take a NAP and i slept from about 6pm til 515 THIS MORNING. omg, wtf?! i guess i needed it. alex and i watched dead like me, went to breakfast and played guitar hero before i had to go to work.

i like listening to kidd kraddick in the morning.

no, really, i have to stop drinking jones soda.

we’re going to order some of alex’s photoshop creations and some of our photographs in larger and posterish sized proportions from snapfish. has anyone ever ordered from snapfish.

phone, fools, lata.

oh, i’m going to take pictures of our plants. woot.

outtie.

a little later…

whoa, square melons:

*disclaimer* all photos involving watermelon and/or chicken are not mine. thanks.

achoo.

i am in no mood for capitals.

my head is killing me. i am pretty sure that my period is coming. all the signs are there with a vengeance. so many little things upset me. and then i can’t keep my mouth shut. and i was really trying to overcome letting ridiculous things bother me. on top of this, i am so weepy. it is as i know the things that make me sad, never stopped making me sad, but i don’t usually WEEP over them. wtf, mia?! and i’m exhausted. but that goes without saying, really. and i feel a dull ache in my belly and my back. and a stupid hurty big zit. oh, something to look forward to.

i wish alex read this. i wish he read this so that he would know, really, how sorry i am for being a cunt even though i already told him. and i wish that he read this so that he would know how much it hurt my feelings when he told me that he hated it here, today. i said, “one bad day doesn’t negate everything, does it?” he didn’t answer. how could he think that way?

i told him that i felt like i was falling in love with him again.

but to do this properly, i apparently need to have my ovaries removed.

stupid stupid stupid.

i went into the kitchen and i was shutting cabinets which alex always leaves open. (and which i SOMETIMES leave open.) i shut one, and i saw something scurry. it was too fast for me to tell if it was a cockroach or a spider, but either way, i am highly UNPLEASED. i read somewhere or alex told me or something that pests HATE cayenne pepper. so i opened all the cabinets back up and sprinkled cayenne pepper everywhere because i am a drama queen and i will have no bugs in my house, aw, hells no. so. cayenne pepper makes you sneeze HELLAS. and youknow, now my eyes water when i go in there. so i think that’s probably efficient, yes? i did throw everything that i didn’t have to reach far inside of the cabinets for away, i mean, things that were not a canned or what i would consider NUCLEARLY (i know it’s not a real word, shut it!) sealed. i put the bag on the porch. i am so paranoid. i know that old old houses/buildings will have bugs sometimes, i know this. BUT I HATE STAB STAB STAB. tomorrow when i get home i will probably clean out the cabinets and super scrub. especially now that i have to wash away all that cayenne pepper i poured everywhere, heh.

i started watching dvds of this tv series that was on hbo that eventually got canceled, i guess. it’s called DEAD LIKE ME. so far i’ve watched one episode and alex said he wanted to watch it, so i am waiting for him to watch this episode so we can start watching together. i’m still deciding how i feel about it.

OMG LOST. I NEED SOMEONE TO TALK ABOUT LOST WITH ME.

i have the big INTERVIEW this week for the library job. i’m not looking forward. mostly, this is because i don’t know exactly WHEN it’s going to occur and i work a trillion hours this week and i’m going to be tired as hell. also i’m glad i remembered that it COULD BE tomorrow as i need to look up some teen program ideas to have ready. i really am afraid i’m going to fail at this. at getting this job. i don’t know why. just that the director is a “hard egg” and i don’t think i’m the type of person that she is particularly fond of. no matter how much work i’ve done. sometimes that’s just the way life is. and if it doesn’t work out, so be it. i can live with this.

i did find out that at our one year mark of being employed at the b&n, that i am eligible for health insurance even if i am part time. it costs about 15$ a paycheck, which really isn’t so bad, youknow?

there are two books i want to more thoroughly look at. i think one was called LIFE THINGS and one was called MAKE THE MOST OF YOUR TIME or something cheesy like this. the life things one is about the spirit of your home or something. the other one is about not running around like a crazy person, which i do. i am that crazy lady in front of you in line who has to dump out her purse to find her debit card EVERY SINGLE TIME. sigh.

i also want to read more about theosis.

i have a fun package to put together for elaina at the end of this month when i get PAID.

omg, i need to look up program stuff because i am SO TIRED. and i need to take my meds. i suck at remembering. though i’ve reformatted. i’ve a better schedule for it now, i think. but i have to go into the kitchen to get water and THE PEPPER OH GOD THE PEPPER.

Q: What happens when you smell something unpleasant?

Oh, I do miss afro. But these colours do please me a bit.

I am still itchy. Some of you might recall via an email conversation today that I was, in fact, itchy. I STILL AM. OMG WHY. I think it’s because I got sunburnt.

Today, I cleaned out my shelves at the library. I threw away lots of things and filed, filed, filed things that I wanted to keep! If I do not get the better job there, Elaina, I think you might want some of my files. I have one for bulletin board ideas, one for activities and cool lessons and book lists/displays and ideas. I have one for teen stuff, like blogging and books. Some of the activities might be juvenile for your students, but I bet Sage would like them. So, if you would like them, please let me know, Thanks.

But, I HOPE I DON’T HAVE TO GIVE THEM TO YOU.

I keep having to redo my schedule for next week because 64 hours of work at 3 different places just doesn’t want to work out for me. I should take a picture of my planner. It is such a headache that I want to throw it out the damn window.

All of my canker sores went away from my vicious infection… but I got a new one today, WTF, JESUS?!

This morning I went to Clippard Elementary to walk around to all of the classrooms and talk about the summer reading club. Kids think the name Bobaloo is SILLY.

OMG, I took a shower and went to sleep with Alex when I got home and I could not hardly get up to wake him up and make him dinner. I am about to go back to bed RIGHT NOW.

I am going to read my new book (I had to start one because I have misplaced Beautiful Losers. I HOPE I DID NOT LOSE IT). I really like this book. One and a half parts have made me cry already. The book is a YA book and nearly a thousand pages and hard to hold, it cramps my hand. But, it’s written differently than things I’ve read before. And I think Lindsey Jones would like it. It reminds me of her a bit, because it is a girl recording important things for her unborn child.

This is is the book:

I am going to read til I fall asleep and it falls on my face thus smashing my nose.

Neat website I found while I was img searching the book: hip librarian’s book blog!

A: Your nose crinkles.
Title courtesy Method air enhancer available at fine local retailers, i.e. Target.

Make me a bird.

I desire almost more than anything to have ONE, that’s right, a SINGULAR job. It is preferred that said job is FULL TIME with BENEFITS. The opportunity for such a thing nearly fell into my lap, at the library. I say nearly because it turns out that they made a suggestion of an offer to another person before I had a chance to express any interest. And, when the person who had resigned had done so less than 24 hours previous. This person is NOT more qualified than me nor do they have any sort of seniority over me. None the less, she is still interested. Now, we both have to formally interview for the job where as before it would have been a sweet little chat before they said, “Mia, we love you, please do this job and take our free medical insurance and some paid vacation.” So, the thought of this makes me want to cry, honestly. In a perfect world, they would look at all I have done for them for nearly three years and what I continue to do even though I was supposed to be gone TWO MONTHS ago. I’m still there, working just as many hours, just as hard. Because I care? Because I’m stupid? Because I’m trying to kill myself? Because without too many tasks than is feasibly possible for one person to keep up with I have time to think about things that are really wrong in my life and I’d rather not? All of the above, ma’am.

I am so frustrated because, this person who is married, with a husband who has insurance and a good income and already has a full time job doesn’t need this as much as I do. I need this.

I am setting myself up for disappointment, however. Because, what is just and good does not always triumph. I am used to doing things the hard way. I am used to running my ass off and working 60 hours a week. I am used to being tired. I am used to having nothing. So, worst case scenario, nothing changes. I can deal with that.

I wish I was of the school of “everything happens for a reason.” But, I’m just not. God, fate, destiny? I couldn’t say. Always being royally fucked? Check.

(I want to feel free.)