You get so alone.

What is it that racks us together this way; clanging, crashing- a sea of awkward emotions claimed dead? Was it that we read the same books, loathed the same films, sang the same music? It was, essentially, i think, a want of the way words tumbled down into hands, flipping them over and over until we could give them a name…and then hand them, to each other; an even trade under river rocks and ancient court house stairs. Now, it’s wicked electric the way your neurons fire in my dreams. Nothing lays dormant even if I couldn’t see your eyes; for three months, five months. You make me laugh. I wanted to hug you more than I hugged you goodbye.

(Could you tell any of these things?)

And then.

I fall asleep with my hand on my cunt, your face in my head, and someone else’s name on my lips.

Everyday Matters, 15 June 2007.

(The saddest day.)

Crucible.

So, last night I had the tv on, news going in the background while I was picking up my cluttery living room, when I heard, “Microwaved baby is expected to live…” To which I said WTFing HELL?!

So, I googled it. Apparently the gentleman, just arrived in Galveston, Texas on a personal call from JESUS to start his ministry there, microwaved his baby for at least 30 seconds. WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?!

I was shocked to find that there were, in fact, other instances of this type of idiot behavior in the past, taken to the level of homicide. One woman, in Virginia in 1999(if i remember correctly,) murdered her 2 month old baby by folding him in half and stuffing him in the microwave. No one noticed until the next morning when the baby was missing. The Aunt of the mother found the baby dead in the microwave. The woman’s defense was that she has Epileptic seizures and it often disorients her. She apparently MISTOOK the baby for a BOTTLE she was warming. I mean, how is this possible, that is not even comparable. What is most appalling about this is that this woman only received FIVE YEARS in prison for MURDERING HER CHILD IN THE MICROWAVE.

Another woman in 2005(?) in Dayton, Ohio murdered her 1 month old daughter in the microwave. She was arrested shortly after the death but released and not until a year and a half later was she actually arrested and sent to trial and convicted for the killing. I don’t know what her sentence was exactly. But her bond was set at 1 million $, so I am thinking it is probably hefty. AS WELL IT SHOULD BE.

So, while I was reading up on these cases in various news archives on the interweb, I came across something that was nearly as horrid as the crime itself.

Read, if you will:

by Jeff Davis

I occasionally get e-mails wondering why I don’t do more black and immigrant crime columns. Part of the reason is that the blundering insanity of the neocons is so fascinating–it’s like watching a train wreck in slow motion, except we’re all in the train–but another reason is that, as awful as this is for me to admit, over the years the constant flow of black criminality in the news seldom shocks me anymore. You can get overloaded with horror, and most Americans have come to accept the possibility of being raped or murdered or robbed or assaulted by our swarthy fellow citizens just as traffic accidents or cancer randomly strikes people. But every now and then, a black crime story comes along that is so horrific that even jaded observers like me sit up and take notice.

NBC NEWS reports that a black mother in Dayton, Ohio murdered her own infant by jamming her in a microwave and turning it on reheat or possibly the popcorn setting. According to the article, “China Arnold, 26, was jailed Monday on a charge of aggravated murder, more than a year after she brought her dead month-old baby to a hospital.” (It took a whole year to figure out the baby was microwaved???) “Bail was set Tuesday at $1 million. ‘We have reason to believe, and we have some forensic evidence that is consistent with our belief, that a microwave oven was used in this death,’ said Ken Betz, director of the Montgomery County coroner’s office. He said the evidence included high-heat internal injuries and the absence of external burn marks on the baby, Paris Talley. ” (This woman apparently named her baby after the glitterati bimbo Paris Hilton, which is adding insult to injury.)

I won’t get into any more details about this appalling case. Cruelty of this kind to a baby, even a black baby, is simply beyond the pale. But I think we all need to reflect on the disturbing fact that in our society, before she was arrested, the black woman who did this could vote. She could sit on juries, possibly your jury if you were unfortunate enough to be arrested in Dayton, Ohio. In a dozen different ways, this creature might have been placed in some kind of authority or control or some job or place where she affected you and your family. She was a “fellow American.” Then she popped her baby in the microwave. Now multiply this case by a thousand more “China Arnolds” and multiply that by 365 days in a year, and multiply that by the 52 years since the Supreme Court effectively ended segregation.

Fifty-two years of “equality,” and these black individuals among us are still dancing to the beat of the jungle drum, still robbing and raping and killing and whoring and selling drugs to poison young white people, still corrupting and destroying everything they touch, still dragging everyone else down to their level with their rap music, crack and depravity. How long is it going to take for blacks to become civilized? If a black mother could throw her baby in a microwave, what might a young black criminal do to a hated member of the white race???

I just can’t believe that people still think this way. I mean, “…even a black baby.” This guy needs something to fall on his head. I know that there are racist people out there, supremely racist. I suppose I’ve mostly chosen to ignore it, which is not a good tactic. I just can’t believe that anyone would treat another human being badly. Slavery, the things that were done during the Civil Rights Movement, make me want to vomit. I am ASHAMED to be a part of a people that would do something like that. I guess, instead of ignoring it, I should be more vocal.

This is something that actually happened to me when I was working at Kmart. The checkout lines were backed up a bit, and as I work at Customer Services and didn’t have anyone in line there, told the folks who were waiting that I could check them out at my counter. A younger black lady, probably around 30 or so, was first in line. I checked her out and she was on her way. Behind her, an elderly white couple. I would guess their ages to be nearing 80 if not older. The man actually took an advertisement paper from our stack and wiped off the counter and said something to his wife about “…dirty…” something mumbled. Anyway, he wanted to do what he could to rid the counter of her dirty black germs, apparently, before he would lay his merchandise down to be checked out, to avoid tainting as much as possible. Because, god knows, he couldn’t possibly use shampoo that a black person had ALMOST touched. I was so disgusted. I didn’t not want to wait on them. I wish I would have refused them service. Or said something, anything. I looked to see that the black woman hadn’t seen him and she didn’t. I am so glad. I would hate knowing someone thought of me that way, I am glad she didn’t have to know. I didn’t say anything to them. I rang their items as quickly as possible and proceeded with my huge line of people. Perhaps if it hadn’t of been busy I would have said something? Honestly, I was afraid to say something. Not afraid of them or their reaction, but of being so over the top angry and emotional and making a scene and possibly getting in trouble.

I regret not doing anything. I should have. And I am sorry for it.

achoo.

i am in no mood for capitals.

my head is killing me. i am pretty sure that my period is coming. all the signs are there with a vengeance. so many little things upset me. and then i can’t keep my mouth shut. and i was really trying to overcome letting ridiculous things bother me. on top of this, i am so weepy. it is as i know the things that make me sad, never stopped making me sad, but i don’t usually WEEP over them. wtf, mia?! and i’m exhausted. but that goes without saying, really. and i feel a dull ache in my belly and my back. and a stupid hurty big zit. oh, something to look forward to.

i wish alex read this. i wish he read this so that he would know, really, how sorry i am for being a cunt even though i already told him. and i wish that he read this so that he would know how much it hurt my feelings when he told me that he hated it here, today. i said, “one bad day doesn’t negate everything, does it?” he didn’t answer. how could he think that way?

i told him that i felt like i was falling in love with him again.

but to do this properly, i apparently need to have my ovaries removed.

stupid stupid stupid.

i went into the kitchen and i was shutting cabinets which alex always leaves open. (and which i SOMETIMES leave open.) i shut one, and i saw something scurry. it was too fast for me to tell if it was a cockroach or a spider, but either way, i am highly UNPLEASED. i read somewhere or alex told me or something that pests HATE cayenne pepper. so i opened all the cabinets back up and sprinkled cayenne pepper everywhere because i am a drama queen and i will have no bugs in my house, aw, hells no. so. cayenne pepper makes you sneeze HELLAS. and youknow, now my eyes water when i go in there. so i think that’s probably efficient, yes? i did throw everything that i didn’t have to reach far inside of the cabinets for away, i mean, things that were not a canned or what i would consider NUCLEARLY (i know it’s not a real word, shut it!) sealed. i put the bag on the porch. i am so paranoid. i know that old old houses/buildings will have bugs sometimes, i know this. BUT I HATE STAB STAB STAB. tomorrow when i get home i will probably clean out the cabinets and super scrub. especially now that i have to wash away all that cayenne pepper i poured everywhere, heh.

i started watching dvds of this tv series that was on hbo that eventually got canceled, i guess. it’s called DEAD LIKE ME. so far i’ve watched one episode and alex said he wanted to watch it, so i am waiting for him to watch this episode so we can start watching together. i’m still deciding how i feel about it.

OMG LOST. I NEED SOMEONE TO TALK ABOUT LOST WITH ME.

i have the big INTERVIEW this week for the library job. i’m not looking forward. mostly, this is because i don’t know exactly WHEN it’s going to occur and i work a trillion hours this week and i’m going to be tired as hell. also i’m glad i remembered that it COULD BE tomorrow as i need to look up some teen program ideas to have ready. i really am afraid i’m going to fail at this. at getting this job. i don’t know why. just that the director is a “hard egg” and i don’t think i’m the type of person that she is particularly fond of. no matter how much work i’ve done. sometimes that’s just the way life is. and if it doesn’t work out, so be it. i can live with this.

i did find out that at our one year mark of being employed at the b&n, that i am eligible for health insurance even if i am part time. it costs about 15$ a paycheck, which really isn’t so bad, youknow?

there are two books i want to more thoroughly look at. i think one was called LIFE THINGS and one was called MAKE THE MOST OF YOUR TIME or something cheesy like this. the life things one is about the spirit of your home or something. the other one is about not running around like a crazy person, which i do. i am that crazy lady in front of you in line who has to dump out her purse to find her debit card EVERY SINGLE TIME. sigh.

i also want to read more about theosis.

i have a fun package to put together for elaina at the end of this month when i get PAID.

omg, i need to look up program stuff because i am SO TIRED. and i need to take my meds. i suck at remembering. though i’ve reformatted. i’ve a better schedule for it now, i think. but i have to go into the kitchen to get water and THE PEPPER OH GOD THE PEPPER.

Ellipsis.

I’m sad.
And so tired.

Make me a bird.

I desire almost more than anything to have ONE, that’s right, a SINGULAR job. It is preferred that said job is FULL TIME with BENEFITS. The opportunity for such a thing nearly fell into my lap, at the library. I say nearly because it turns out that they made a suggestion of an offer to another person before I had a chance to express any interest. And, when the person who had resigned had done so less than 24 hours previous. This person is NOT more qualified than me nor do they have any sort of seniority over me. None the less, she is still interested. Now, we both have to formally interview for the job where as before it would have been a sweet little chat before they said, “Mia, we love you, please do this job and take our free medical insurance and some paid vacation.” So, the thought of this makes me want to cry, honestly. In a perfect world, they would look at all I have done for them for nearly three years and what I continue to do even though I was supposed to be gone TWO MONTHS ago. I’m still there, working just as many hours, just as hard. Because I care? Because I’m stupid? Because I’m trying to kill myself? Because without too many tasks than is feasibly possible for one person to keep up with I have time to think about things that are really wrong in my life and I’d rather not? All of the above, ma’am.

I am so frustrated because, this person who is married, with a husband who has insurance and a good income and already has a full time job doesn’t need this as much as I do. I need this.

I am setting myself up for disappointment, however. Because, what is just and good does not always triumph. I am used to doing things the hard way. I am used to running my ass off and working 60 hours a week. I am used to being tired. I am used to having nothing. So, worst case scenario, nothing changes. I can deal with that.

I wish I was of the school of “everything happens for a reason.” But, I’m just not. God, fate, destiny? I couldn’t say. Always being royally fucked? Check.

(I want to feel free.)