everything all of the time.

i find myself feeling incredibly moved by everything the past few days. things look different, blurry around the edges, like they’re becoming new.

the bottom of my purse is full of jones soda caps. they jingle when i drop things inside. i think about how they’re a map of the world right now.

alex’s gram may have cancer. the dishes she gave us keep breaking. first a bowl, then a plate when i was in too big of a hurry. they keep breaking since we found out. it is one of those things when everything feels like a sign. or a thin line leading you somewhere.

i hate when everything means some something. i hate it when everything means nothing.

i had to take alex to the hospital this morning. he hurt his back at work. i went back with him in the er. the nurse asked him to undress, to put on the gown. i sat in the chair watching him, in the sterile light. the body i’d seen naked so many times looked so different, small and incredibly fragile. i folded his clothes, set them on the chair. it was the only thing i could do.

when i was looking for activities about matisse, i found things that i couldn’t stop staring at.

like this room, this room, The Tree of Life.

it’s all of the colours i find myself loving lately. i felt like i wanted such a room to swallow me up. i wrote on a post-it “buy tissue paper. cut outs. cover the bedroom windows. like stained glass.”

and then, the paintings from Jazz. i stared at them all. they pulled me in.

but this. Heart.

i couldn’t stop staring at the white space. then the dark space. then the white space until minutes and minutes had passed and someone walked up to the desk with a question.

and this. Destiny.

i don’t know if i believe in destiny. but i believe that i am that small white space.