Make me a bird.

I desire almost more than anything to have ONE, that’s right, a SINGULAR job. It is preferred that said job is FULL TIME with BENEFITS. The opportunity for such a thing nearly fell into my lap, at the library. I say nearly because it turns out that they made a suggestion of an offer to another person before I had a chance to express any interest. And, when the person who had resigned had done so less than 24 hours previous. This person is NOT more qualified than me nor do they have any sort of seniority over me. None the less, she is still interested. Now, we both have to formally interview for the job where as before it would have been a sweet little chat before they said, “Mia, we love you, please do this job and take our free medical insurance and some paid vacation.” So, the thought of this makes me want to cry, honestly. In a perfect world, they would look at all I have done for them for nearly three years and what I continue to do even though I was supposed to be gone TWO MONTHS ago. I’m still there, working just as many hours, just as hard. Because I care? Because I’m stupid? Because I’m trying to kill myself? Because without too many tasks than is feasibly possible for one person to keep up with I have time to think about things that are really wrong in my life and I’d rather not? All of the above, ma’am.

I am so frustrated because, this person who is married, with a husband who has insurance and a good income and already has a full time job doesn’t need this as much as I do. I need this.

I am setting myself up for disappointment, however. Because, what is just and good does not always triumph. I am used to doing things the hard way. I am used to running my ass off and working 60 hours a week. I am used to being tired. I am used to having nothing. So, worst case scenario, nothing changes. I can deal with that.

I wish I was of the school of “everything happens for a reason.” But, I’m just not. God, fate, destiny? I couldn’t say. Always being royally fucked? Check.

(I want to feel free.)